Looks inside a Skeleton

Save Yourself                                                             Life Jacket

How can I feel thank-ful-ness                    self preservation, something I should have
while I’ve arrived at survival and you didn’t?  learned, been aware of by the time I was teething

How can I move pass the memory                  especially while I’ve absorbed the ugliness
when we both were gasping for air?                  breathing out its dead, its shivering debris.

They never say to give up your oxygen mask                 As a child, you’re never allowed a say
in fact they strongly advise you against it.           unless you have a good law guardian:

Before attempting anything                                I must understand directions
you must first be breathing.                                and consider how cruel self preservation
                                                                        can be.

But then, once I’ve put my oxygen mask on                   It is like while one is drowning and
and you’re left stranded for air, I watch you try to speak without a thought, you reach for

I watch you escape into the open, into oblivion              slapping  for anything afloat, and      
I fight and scream for you to stay with me.                       then grab on,
                                                                                               push, push, push down for air,

                                                                                            for life.

                                                                                   

Attachment is Such a Hard Thing to Undo.

No more inquisitive brown eyes
to stare into and lose myself.

No more little ears to measure.
No more love songs to sing, because no one is listening.

No more dimpled smiles.
No more of her laughter, grabbing my attention.

No more flippers for feet
with flipper covers reaching to her knees.

No more secret language to make up
and joke about amongst ourselves.

No more soft kisses to have in the morning
waking me up from my slumber.

No more gentle caress of the middle of my back.
No more love to make during the late hours.

No more dreams to have of little ones playing in our backyard.
No more dreams to have of us growing together.

No more recipies to try.
No more spoons to lick.

No more you to teach me things.
No more coozied drunken debates.

No more you to admire naked in the sunlight.
No more you to watch sleep in the moonlight.

No more you to come home to.
No more home to come to.

No more time.
No more love.

Naked

The first day of Summer, when parks are peopled
we smile at each other for no particular reason
other than the darkness has been lifted
like we were taking off our clothes.
Funny though, since we’re ashamed of the sight
of nakedness.  But here we are when the air is thick
and bodies play in the sun barely clothed.
We are exhibitionists teasing each other
and ourselves with these desires.

And ah 1, 2, 3, 4… Version 2

play that guitar
hit me that drum
forget de cost
for living hike

forget money
tight, grab lover
spin her around
sing she something

nothing too nice
let she feel de
heat, and yelp
holler all night

play that guitar
hit me that drum
forget de cost
for living hike

lets howl and dance
to the moon light
lets howl and dance
til the sunrise

clap those hands, shim
shimmer those hips
clap those hands, shim
shimmer those hips

kick those boots off
let me kiss you
on the lips, pinch
you on the thigh

spin you around
tell you i love
you three times, babe
you are all mine

And ah 1, 2, 3, 4…

play that guitar, hit that drum
grab your partner, pass de rum
forget de cost of living hike
forget how money tight.

grab your partner, spin her around
clap your hands, sing me a song
sing me something not too sweet
sing me something that feels my heat.

play that guitar, hit that drum
grab your partner, but pass me de rum
clap your hands, sing a song
nothing too sweet, but feels de heat.

forget de cost of living hike
forget how money so tight
lets dance to de moon light
lets dance til the morning light.

Panopticon

Note:  This is the second installment for what I think is a short story or something…  Not quite sure what it is.  Previous post: Seeker: Compos Mentis?

 

I’m not sure which trigger ignited the sparks that lead to the explosion. Maybe it’s the weather. I heard on Good Morning World that for most, the change in spells and the after the holidays time causes the dysphoric Black Bile affliction. Or maybe it’s the recurring nightmare  I’ve been having, where I’m being chased by vampires. Or maybe it’s of all these things: Weather, Black Bile, Vampires.

All I remember was my heart and my mind were in a race, which can go faster than my motions in real time. And he was there, louder and angrier than ever before.

“Well of-course.  You were feeding me elixirs all night.”
“That’s because you wouldn’t stop talking.”
“It’s what I do best hon. You wouldn’t clip a bird’s wings, or lock him up in a cage when flying is the best thing he can do? Or would you?”

It was 8:00am and Paramour was already dressed and trying to ignore the pace I was going at. I was rambling something with conviction, and she casually agreed. I felt her kissing my cheek, as I lay on the sleep levitator with my eyes closed, head hot with thoughts. I then heard the front door open and closed. I wanted to tell her not to leave me alone with him. But I didn’t want her to worry. I told myself to suck it up.

He was rummaging through all of the possible outcomes. Like a monkey, he swung on each thought, “First, you’d be relieved from your position and replaced.  After a month or so of no work, Paramour will leave you for Alex, the Information Scientist. LOL!. You’d have to move out, but where to? You’d probably end up like the homeless woman you see everyday at the teleport.  Hair all in a mess like it never ever saw a comb.  Dirty with duck tape wrapping around your infected leg.  And yes, you’d scream, dance, and do whatever for a sip. You know she’s probably around your age.  LMAO, destitution really sucks. Eventually, you’d lose it and assault a pedestrian. Then finally, you’d be banished. Now if you listen to me, things won’t have to go this far, don’t pass go, don’t collect $200 won’t even have to apply to you ever again.”

Knowing what his solution was, I decided to wave the analyst, “Hello, hello…,” and then my sonic Bluetooth chip lost the signal. I waved again, nothing. And again, until finally the analyst waved me back.

“Hello, Nicodemus?” Here is where everything becomes a blur. All I remember is my head overheating. And the door rang, and I was letting in five Robo-commandos.

I offered them coffee, and waved, “Do you like micro-organic eggs, scrambled micro-eggs?”  They were indifferent. But really, was it me, him, or the elixir that was offering Robo-commandos coffee, waving if they liked micro scrambled eggs?

“What does it matter now who offered them coffee? That future is dead.”

Getting down to the lobby area, the building’s super was waving with five more Robo-commandos. I wasn’t embarrassed then. No, in a strange way I was excited, but I wasn’t sure what I was excited about.

We were getting close to the door, and I was trying not to trigger my flight simulation program, where I run up the block as fast as Neo from the Matrix. So, I created a simple pop-up code in my mainframe, a cute funny distraction that waved, “I feel like one of our luminary deities needing protection from the Web-Paps with their web-cam eyes waiting to take ‘The Picture’.” One of the Robo-commandos however, read my mind and overrode the code I was using to distract them. He demanded that we wait in the lobby for the airbus’s arrival.

“Ha, like anyone ever outran a Robo-commando, at least not all 10 of them in a hail storm.”

On the airbus, I was incredibly chatty with the Robo-Emergency Action Figures (R-EAF). I was hoping to overload their inboxes with instant messages. I’ve never been that chatty even in a chat room with close friends.

“That’s because you could have never thought that up by yourself.  Using your tabs as an evasion tacit, to open up chat windows instead of going into a sleep mode that you thought could stop them…ROFL. Don’t fret I’m not going to tell. We’ve went through this before.”
“And did that really help? Like we could stop their advanced cookies from tracking those thought waves, as they run a diagnostic on my cerebral cortex.”

Even with all the pop-ups, they read those thought waves and they made their assessment, and gave no reply to my invitation for coffee that day. At some point one of them asked if I had anyone they should contact. I sonic waved Paramour of course. She was in high court when I interrupted with my inappropriate euphoria. She panicked as I laughed nonsensically.

Once I arrived at the Panopticon, I waited for my preliminary interview.  Robo-takers (RTs) did the interview. RTs never make eye-contact. The first RT ran a diagnostic on my mainframe. Questions, that I rudely re-routed to the RT’s inbox. Useless. I was becoming more anxious, looking for ways to escape.

Once the preliminary interview was over, I was whisked away to my second, where I was asked the same questions again. I gave them shit for the obvious lack of communication between their servers. I was becoming less charming and entertaining, and more irritable and a nuisance. I kept pushing their buttons while the RT scanned my body for any irregularities. They wanted to make sure I was healthy enough for the experiments that the Scientists were to perform. They discovered that my heart rate was unusually high. I joked that my unusual heart rate was due to probing overload. They asked if I used any accelerant RAM. “Never, only elixirs. Accels would completely overload my mainframe, and I’d crash,” I giggled. It was becoming difficult to sit still and to hold back the laughter.

They took my Earth shoes and gave me their socks with traction at the base. Then, they escorted me to the day room where the others were. The Panopticon was exactly what you’d think a Panopticon to be: with us, there were RTs locked inside the circular space of the Panopticon, and even though the watch tower wasn’t high above in the clouds, the eye was still capable of seeing everything. Somewhat like the eye of Sauron from Lord of the Rings.

I was introduced to the head RT on shift. His face was emotionless and cold. I timidly walked into the day room where everyone was watching the news. There was a woman waving loudly in a thick Brooklyn accent, “I’m not going to stand this sort of treatment anymore. For 20 years they’ve been probing me. I know the Governor, wait until he hears about this.” Then this kid, who couldn’t be more than 18 yells back, “Shut up already!”
“All these probing, and experiments. For 20 years… I refuse this non-sense.”
“Well then go, no one wants to hear about it. Damn, yo!”
“Do you want an apple?” A guy with a huge scar across his face waved me. I didn’t dare look him in the eye when I waved no. “Hahaha, that’s because you were afraid. And he was completely harmless.”

Even though internally I was leaping out of my skin, I maintained all of the impulsive neurons signaling that I should start singing a song, like the one my mother sang everyday, “Oh what a friend we have in Jesus.” The giggling was insatiable, the worst to subdue. But I was still in control. I wasn’t going to give up. I remember the old woman at the CCRC. I started to giggle a little. I took a deep breath and mumbled. “I’m not going to give up on my mainframe.” 

“Maybe your mainframe will give up on you.  What then?  My solution is your best bet.”
“Just shut-up, alright.”

Knowing was terrifying. Knowing that anything can happen to me in the Panopticon. I had to get out and before sleep mode sets in. My head was throbbing badly. Like the walls of my skull were closing in on my brain. I waved to the nurse, “How long are they going to keep me?”
“If you do exactly what we say and take your control supplements, you will be out of here in no time.” I got the feeling that it was a hologram I was speaking to not a real nurse.

In the Panopticon you’re allowed 15 minutes on a regular payphone. I called the analyst, “You have to get me out of here. I don’t belong here, my mainframe is salvageable, but if I stay here it will die.”
“Nicodemus, do you remember our agreement. Do you remember the contract you signed? Well do you?”
“I do, I do, but this isn’t the time for contracts and who waved what. I can’t stay here.”
“I’ll see what I can do, but I’m not hopeful. The things the R-EAF discovered on your mainframe were disturbing.”
“Just try!”

I heard my entire title being waved, “Nicodemus of South America,” I turned, and it was the head RT.

“You have a visitor,” and he escorted me to the visitor room that was covered with spy-ware. It was Paramour. We embraced. She looked like she was about to break down. I held her firmly.
“Are you ok?”
“Yes, I just need to get out of here.”
“I spoke to the analyst… She doesn’t think they will let you go. The things on your mainframe makes it less likely. Do you remember what you waved?”
“No. I lost all the footage for some weird reason. It’s there but as soon as I try accessing those scenes, my memory starts skipping or freezes up.”
“Your mainframe is getting worse.”
“I know,” I snapped, and then quickly held her hand apologizing. She started to cry.
“Para, please don’t… Not here… I’m sorry you have to see me like this.”

Hair

I was getting rid of some boxes that’s been just sitting in a corner of my apartment.  And I came across a book that I thought I had misplaced.  It’s the Collected Poems of Robert Hayden.  Flipping through the collection I came across a favorite, Snow.  The reason I think I’ve always enjoyed this piece is that it uses so little to express so much.

Snow by Robert Hayden

Smooths and burdens,
endangers, hardens.

Erases, revises.
Extemporizes

Vistas of lunar solitude.
Builds, embellishes a mood.

 

Here’s my attempt at using as few words as possible to express my feelings on my hair:

Hair

Nappy nappy
springs split-ends
soft wild dusky velvet.

Bold black beauty
spry leaping panther
rich as the Nile
subtle as wisdom

Nappy nappy
springs split-ends
soft wild dusky velvet

₣7 Across, and 18 Down

Got, swallowing spurious crossword-puzzle
chucks of spotlights to choke on.
A golden casket, yawning
prominence, port of then rides!
Tripping channels like waves, your
servings: words gullible full
say and not say, drowning in
in a wild sizzle that burst.
Got, conjuring certainty
with prays on Fridays, drinking
on credit, flicking a lung
aside a curtain, Always
hustles for platinum chains:
a diamond in a watch tells
time better, chicken wings and
chicken things, quick wicker sight
cruising down Broadway, Park Place
a Lexus teething gold rims.

A Taste of Vanilla

ice-cream-pic-21
by COCOYEA
ice-cream-pic1
by COCOYEA

Mask a howling
behind a curtain
tattered together letters
embroidered pieces of paper.

Pray for a taste of vanilla.

Brush her hair back into a braid
revive the smooth bump
imagine her shoulders
finger her firm even skin.

For a pair of fireflies
moonlighting days
light a room full of candles
kiss her eyes gently
watch them squint awake.

Recession Chardonnay

Photo taken by me 🙂

Lately, I’ve been gravitating towards more of the “heavy” music, like metal, punk, and noise rock. I blame it all on a backlash behavior: rejecting the current trend of bubble-gum lo-fi recycled 80s pop music, that music reviewers and the dying dinosaur that is the music industry, are labeling as “rock”. They obviously don’t know the difference between heavy rock and some tame quasi folk/electronic dance song.

Don’t get me wrong, I have a space in my heart for folk songs and electronic music, especially the ones that dare to take some risks. Risk?  Because that’s all you got: guts and a blurring-the-line sense of humor.

Another reason I’ve been going heavy is that I feel like there’s so much to scream and be angry about.  We’ve been in a sort of zombie complacency, lackadaisical mummification, “I don’t care” state. A glaring example is the 8 years of having an idiot be a representative-leader for one of the most influential countries in the world (obviously, even in America fleeing monarchy and fascism is incredibly difficult).

One can argue that heavy doesn’t go with the current times that are affecting this incredible difficulty.   From the way we wear our hair to the very way we walk, this economic crisis was foreshadowed by the  however the cause was ignored. Maybe life should be concerned in a shift of what and when we want to recognize the fuckery? in the American way of being : a big, loud, bully is now passe.  Well maybe. We’re going green, even though going green doesn’t change the Manichean paradigm.

This world divided into compartments, this world cut in two is inhabited by two different species. The originality of the colonial context is that economic reality, inequality, and the immense difference of ways of life never come to mask human realities. When you examine at close quarters the colonial context, it is evident that what parcels out the world is to begin with the fact of belonging to or not belonging to a given race, a given species. The colonial world is a Manichean world. Frantz Fanon, The Wretched of the Earth, 40, 41.

If what “parcels out the world is to “belong to a given race,” then in the same way that we are divided by color, we are as well divided by gender, sexual orientation, immigration… and whatever anew division we choose to distract ourselves with and call the enemy. And consequently, we’ll never understand ourselves.

Human social development will never be the foreground and continue we go on this path to perpetuate a Manichean pulse in contemporary live thought/living, never as a History left behind, never as a backward thinking.

Thus, I feel a great affinity towards yelling and fucking shit up! It’s very therapeutic. I recommend it completely; that and going up to a tree in the forest and screaming loudly. It’s good for you, try it.

Anyway, in no particular order, here’s a couple of bands helping me along the healing process. I thank them with all my heart for their insanity.

Life... The Best Game In Town
Life… The Best Game In Town

Harvey Milk‘s Life… The Best Game In Town. I was pleasantly surprised while searching for a review on the movie  Milk.  I discovered the metal band from Athens, Georgia. with the same name. Intrigued, I looked them up and was immediately hooked by their sound: a fusion of experimental, psychedelic, noise rock and sludge metal. Granted, I have never been one to find growling vocals appealing, but it’s different with Harvey Milk, maybe it’s the timber of purposefulness in the growl. Faves: Death Goes to the Winner, Decades, After All I’ve Done For You,…, We Destory the Family, Motown, Barnburner.

 

 

 

WizardryWizardry is a five piece NYC metal band, I saw for the first time at Trash Bar, and they were very entertaining. I highly recommend seeing them live, because they know how to put on a show. With their glam rock look and theatrics, and actual smoke machine, I was really impressed with their effort to make the stage their own. But they’re not just about theatrics and stage presence, these guys can play.  With intricate drumming, insane guitars, and strong vocals, Wizardry will definitely dazzle you with their magic.  I can’t wait for their upcoming album.

 

 

SpylacopaSpylacopa. Another NYC band, that a friend of mine turned me onto and to whom I’m now forever indebted. Spylacopa was just what I needed. When I played their debut EP on my ipod, I immediately knew that it was right, because they made meh pores raise (a saying from Trinidad, meaning, I got goose-bumps). With their skilled transitions and ample ability to switch genres in a fleeting second, a testament to their progressive sound, they’re at times noise rock delivered purpose and direction. An example would be when switching from the heavy, noise with a purpose tracks to the ambient piano/keyboard instrumental track, Together We Become Forever, and the very moody Sigur Rós sounding, I Should Have Known You Would. Faves: Bloodletting, I Should Have Known You Would.

 

Goes Cube Goes Cube. A noise rock power trio from you guessed it, NYC. My band actually had the great pleasure of playing on a bill with these guys, and they are awesome. They are a punishing combo of rock, punk and metal. Goodness! I remember the first time I saw them live, they made my ears bleed. I don’t think I ever regained the hearing I lost.

 

The Bedlam In GoliathMars Volta‘s The Bedlam in Goliath because it’s just brilliant. Mars is the epitome of progressive rock, they fuse latin/african, jazz, funkadelic beats with punk experimental rock. With orchestral musical arrangements, they take prog to a heightened level that when listening, you can’t help but think this is the electric version of classical music. It’s that multi-layered and expansive. I must admit I was a bit disappointed with their previous album, Amputechture.  I felt like it was way too abstract and I couldn’t grasp anything. Even though this may have been the point of the album, as an avid fan I couldn’t bear it. A buddy of mine shared the same feeling, up until he listened to Amputechture under the influence. Apparently, the album is less abstract while on drugs: everything makes more sense. It’s almost like what people said about some rock music back in the day, that it was evil and if you played the record backwards you’d hear the devil. Spooky. Anyway, The Bedlam in Goliath is a complete 360, my only criticism is that at times the repetition was a bit too much. Faves: Ilyena, Wax Simulacra, Goliath, Cavalettas, Askepios, Ouroborous, Memories.

 

Marnie Stern

Marnie Stern‘s This Is It and I Am It and You Are It and So Is That and He Is It and She Is It and It Is It and That Is That. Probably one of the longest titles ever. I feel like I’m embarking on a study.  I’m listening to a dissertation for a sociological/cultural studies thesis, that sounds like a mixture of AC/DC, Erase Errata, and Stern’s very own powerful voice as a songwriter.  And what I’ve learn in the center is that I am it and my future is it!  Faves: Prime, Transformer, Shea Stadium, The Crippled Jazzer, Simon Says, Roads? Where We’re Going We Don’t Need Roads.

 

 

 

 

Helms Alee
Helms Alee

 

Helm Alee‘s Night Terror. Helms Alee is an experimental, sludge metal, rock trio from Seattle Washington whose sound reminds me of the Twin Peaks soundtrack.  With their pensive moodiness, great melodies, and  hard wailing beats, mixed with at times delicate vocals, and then at others yelling,  Helm Alee makes me feel like they’re preaching (in a good way). I feel like obeying them as I shake my head yes, yes, YEAH!  I really hope they can visit NYC sometime soon.  Faves:Honestly all of them.   They capture most of the moments in my day to day.

 

 

 

MORE TO COME!

 

The Power of Language

hands1
photo by Margo Conner

 It can enslave or liberate… You can lose yourself in language.

When I think about the power of language, I think about whose identity, whose culture, where am I, and who am I.

I hear sounds when I think about the power of language. I see images that are layered by probability and possibility. I think about seeds in the earth and how much I would like to be a gardener. I would like to plant. It’s the same with the power of language.

I wonder about truth, and can you really find it in words?  Or is it a feeling that is associated with a word, that is almost a conversation between the heart and the mind.

I wonder if it is the recollection, memory of what you associate with that sound, that taste, that smell, which feels like the memory of what it means to be that word.

 This train of thought was inspired by: Faith and Faithful

Ah, Panacea…

photo by Craig Marston
photo by Craig Marston
With this pull
crawling on all fours
a killing ease of breath
with this swallow
comes a lush
spawning a dancing line
bitter burnt out
cool regret.

With this…
as slender spirals
rush the room
careful of the outer air
exhale gently
as appetites loiter
a mouthful
Panacea.

It’s a Matter of Calcium

Chad Coombs
photo by Chad Coombs

 

Now ah days, these vitamins
they so smart, they so smart Ho!
You take one of them
and they know just where to go.

This is the second from the series: Vitamins & Photos.  I was watching the news one day, and one of the headlines was called: It’s a Matter of Calcium.  Apparently, according to the reporter, there was a growing epidemic where pre-teens were not getting enough calcium, and as a result were suffering with broken limbs. 

Vitamins and Photos:Revised

Ferenc Horvath
by Ferenc Horvath

 

 

caught up with the night
for five long years
I got caught up with the night

 

I lived in an apartment in Washington Heights, NYC, that overlooked a drug store, called Vitamins & Photos.  I thought it was a hilarious name for a drug store, since they obviously sold more than just vitamins, and processed photos.  In any event, I was drawn to this name/title, and decided to use it for the above poem.  Which then, inspired me to create poems around this theme, Vitamins and Photos.  With the help of some very creative photographers/artists on Flickr, I decided that I should also have photos that maybe, sometimes translate the words visually.

On WHFR

I read (out loud) two Sundays ago on WHFR, which was really exciting.  I haven’t read aloud…for years.

It reminded me about how important it is to hear the words you’re speaking, the importance of pronouncing your voice, the completely unstable voice. 

I met some really uplifting artists at WHFR.  It was like an arts commune that ranged from reading excerpts from novels and poetry manuscripts, playing live music, comedy, improv…   It was an apartment full of breath, full of buds ready to flourish in this time of uncertainty, a room filled with togetherness. 

I read 8 of my poems, and played a couple songs off my band’s full length (Love, Lust, Sci-fi & Monsters), and our self-titled EP (Telenovela Star). 

Here’s the list: BackSpaced, The Season, Mania, Architecture of “You”, Soucouyant and Loupgarou, Vampire from Telenovela Star’s Lust, Love, Sci-fi & Monsters album, Elma, My Imaginary Margin, Brown Girl In the Ring, A Plum from Telenovela Star’s self-titled EP.

Listen here:  Reading on WHFR