The slow motions
the instant repeats
the lifeless potraits
the ending points
kills the most, since
you become aware
the stillness in the eyes
that’s when you know
her sun has set
the day is over
and it is now a drawing
of her faded interest.
But like a never-ending flipbook
you wistfully rummage through
the flickering stages, only to create
your own images, after her
an eyesight that is ruthless
with its rapid velocity
as it blinks with a new truth
faster than a hummingbird’s wings
showing off how she forgets you
and you’re left with the drawings
where someone new has her touch.
Wreckless is to give all of yourself to another.
You’d become harshly aware of the unforgiving cold
once they’re gone, and suddenly you’ve been freed to a sea of silence
at the top of a mountain where there’s nothing left but ice
the unfathomable void, where loneliness has encased itself
to no one to contend to. The sunlight blinds you with tears of longing
bare tears, full of memories, tending towards trepidation.
You can keep your sentiments
and all your love attachments.
You can keep your loneliness too
because I have my own.
You can keep everything that draws your face
or expects you coming through the door
I’m going to free myself of you, all of you
I will free myself of you and all your things
that lingers alone and anticipates
when I don’t need them anymore
I will free myself, free myself
free myself from you!
So quickly the erasure has begun
as pieces of me are being removed.
From that heart, I’ve been gutted out
from that mind, my reflection turned into shards.
I was suppose to know it was happening
that the coils my hair makes no longer brought joy
and understand that a betrayal was for me to take notice.
But it doesn’t matter now, as all the tenderness
as all the dreams, like abandoned leaves, dwindle away
trapped in a dusty old box filled with memories, well forgotten
displaced by some new desire to excite the tête-à-tête.
So quickly the erasure has begun, in one day
what once was comforting as a simple embrace, a brush of the hands
is being replaced with talk of sleeping arrangements.
At the closing of tonight
I’ll sit painstakingly reminiscing.
Reminisce over saying goodbye
then dance alone again.
My home with those many walls
keeping me still, smelling the strong aroma
my favorite dish, beef stew marinating
as the lady laboring over the stovetop cares for
making it all the better, this has been removed for
just a room filled with bitter cold things.
Reminiscing over the place that once was
still measuring the range of her laughter, and the saddness
that is like milestones, as they carted me away to the institution.
Reminisce over the fear and devastation, I found staring back at me
in those brown pools of continuous wonderings, should I even be taking this on?
Reminisce over the appearance of truth
and the presence, oh but a stagnation, a straggling grip of desperation
where there aren’t any days drenched with tortured love songs.
But I was getting better at seeing the light. Too late…
Shouldn’t I’ve known this storm was coming?
Since, they say 33 is the year of the crisis, where the unexpected occurs
except no one told me, as I walked into the eye of a hurricane.
Is in those moments when you’re most blinded, you’ll find it possessed, bazodeed, when you’re least aware of what you have. That moment of joy, seeing her standing there waiting, pieces of her blowing in the wind. She smokes another cigarette, checking her cell phone because she’s lonely without you. And when she catches a glimpse of you, all you see is her dimples. And your smile is broad enough that you silently cry a secret joy, because even though you can’t really see, your eyes find each other. You embrace.
Is there such a thing?
Are there moments so sure
that you’re so unaware of?
Find it possessed, bazodeed
with your cataract eyes
incapable of recognizing joy
as she waits there for you
dimpled and broad smiled
lonely for your sauntering suspension?
We embrace, because it’s been that long
since we’ve caught a sighting that spectacular
shooting ephemeral phenomenologies
burning a thousand years away.
Save Yourself Life Jacket
How can I feel thank-ful-ness self preservation, something I should have
while I’ve arrived at survival and you didn’t? learned, been aware of by the time I was teething
How can I move pass the memory especially while I’ve absorbed the ugliness
when we both were gasping for air? breathing out its dead, its shivering debris.
They never say to give up your oxygen mask As a child, you’re never allowed a say
in fact they strongly advise you against it. unless you have a good law guardian:
Before attempting anything I must understand directions
you must first be breathing. and consider how cruel self preservation
But then, once I’ve put my oxygen mask on It is like while one is drowning and
and you’re left stranded for air, I watch you try to speak without a thought, you reach for
I watch you escape into the open, into oblivion slapping for anything afloat, and
I fight and scream for you to stay with me. then grab on,
push, push, push down for air,