Because of these.
that declared war on my native tongue.
I’ve been suffering the insufferable,
Silenced of words to scream out that which submerge
for life savers to be thrown at my pleas.
Not knowing what to say has swallowed my delight.
All that remains is a bloated ill-figured shape.
To converse with the sensible is beyond exhaustion.
I’m a child again trying to talk in “big people’s business”,
stuck in between sentences with stuttering importance.
Gone mute now, a Carthusian monk’s vow is my tongue
I’m but a beggar for a point of view
some kind of vision that will help me escape
this state, where even grunting seems useless…
a collection of leaves left so someone can find them
someone else, alone, you can find sitting quietly
while all that is inner is raw with an explosion
calmly spelling it with the lips, then the hands:
We are not lovers, nor are we friends
but yet we stand together as fear pins us down
fear of the what in emptiness
feared enough to never run, frighten enough to run in place
with perhaps, half ifs, the but to put safely
in the mind as it were a vitamin melting on the tongue
with new thoughts, new ways of thinking things as they were
I push them down though
down, down, down
while it struggles to rise and evaporate.
When I hear you howl|
I hear you inside me|
I hear you ghosts talking
about yesterday’s melody|
You dream about yesterday’s fatuus
slow as today’s coming close
as me meeting sunrise’s dust|
Has already been done|
So much so I’m walking
for my turns of nothing
but nothing never keeps
never coming getting
getting even with nothing
but my two tacos, just
a hole that hungers
that permeates a want
that thinks about getting closer|
And when I get closer|
I watch what will tip me over
running over, in a splendorous lie|
If you can, if you will, I dare the mirage|
I’m a part of your syntactic voice
that speaks to you when you’re
alone and wanting a God to save you.
I’m a part of your sentence
that brawls a branch you crawl on for
survival, the one you call onto
when each and everyone forgot
your name, building your totems.
I’m a part of your debt
that you forgot existed
and want to bury with gold
want to repay me with sterile isolation.
I’m a part of your secrets
that beckons me near afraid
you’re the intruder in the dark
that grew apart from me.
We were brave
letting in a thought
letting in a memory
of your face we touched
let an idea be entirety
dance in front of us…
analyze this softness
one you can’t predict…
Don’t you remember the first time
oh but I reminisce when we didn’t know
what we were doing, but doing it anyway.
Did the fire burn out?
Even as I carry a cause
so burns a joyousness.
When I look at you
as I speak in tongues
when we’re together
it hurts surrendering
to the vanishing pitch
mixtapes with our own voices
thoughts gathering together
it hurts surrendering to waves
crashing in, to an exuberant boom
promise of a spark extinguishing.