Windex: I Don’t Know What to Say…?

This started as a poem from a list of things to get for a new apartment, that was exploring one of the cleaning items which I forgot: a bathroom mirror…

When I was

When I was a little kid, I use to stay up late at night and stare for hours up at the stars, and it had nothing to do with me wanting to be an astronaut. In hindsight, the reason I was and still am fascinated with space is that, it felt like a real escape. So maybe space was my heaven to an extent heaven is in the clouds, or listening to the steelpan orchestra in the then village/neighborhood I lived in, or riding my bike in circles when the moon possessed me?

When I was a teenager, I did the same thing, except I started writing short sad bad poems and stories… I could tell that my parents were concerned of my trajectory, they honestly tried… Like, at one point I said I wanted to be a vet, because I loved animals as a kid, and like Antonio from Encanto, I seriously believed I could of talk to animals. I remember taking out the worms from one of our dogs’ paws because it was infected, and being on constant alert for a pup who was sick and we had to nurse back to life, but only to die from a stupid accident. But I quickly learned through watching a being survive, while they were close to death, and they die from a nonsensical death, that made me realize, I can’t stomach being a vet.

My dad bought me a Singer sewing machine, and my mom enrolled me into an apprenticeship with a seamstress. I failed! I failed because, I guess I’m not really good at measuring people or anything? I have tried and it was like me being inaccurate about my own body and other people’s bodies. This is so many of many examples, If you ever say one last shitty word of “unskilled” workers 🤬🤬🤬

At least in my mirror of myself and understanding of my needs, wants and which makes me fulfilled, the only thing I was clearly good and was once skilled at was drumming, playing/writing music, writing poems, short stories/and my novel regardless of whomever thought it was good or not. Those were the areas I felt most alive and excelled in a sense of my sense of self beyond, what I was told by educators and people close to me: that I am a dunce. It is the reason I’m so protective of my nibling’s education, even though I know their parents, my siblings, are involved with who is teaching them. And I’m also invested with the people who they are interested in…. excellence which equals growth and equity, which understands everyone and are satisfying to me and for you!

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